Every few weeks I haul out some of the more eccentric search terms readers have used to find me on the web. As usual we start with ammonites.

ammonite old girls, ammonite explain to a child, ammonite background file — I’m seeing a whole story here: jolly hockeysticks types at an all-girl-ammonite school, they’re explaining to non ammonite girls why they can’t play on the team; after the game, in the locker room, the hockey-playing ammonites get recruited for upper-echelon spy work by those mysterious ammonites with swords and centres of gravity

hothead paisan finishing school for girls — and this of course is the school for the ammonite wannabees, the ones who don’t quite make the cut as upper echelon spies but who pair with the spy ammonites, perhaps act as enforcers

apocalypse September 28 — pretty specific, perhaps something to do with that loud bang in Bridlington in August?

contemplating porn — as usual, too many ‘porn’ searches to list individually, but I was struck by this one: mindful porn, ommmm…

drunk spit kissing you tupe, you yube naked in filey — looks as though someone just staggered in from a night on the tiles and immediately wondered if anyone had caught their misdeeds on their iPhone and already uploaded it to YouTube.

xena and gabrielle porn, xena en gabrielle, xena et gabrielle — xena sur gabrielle, xena dans gabrielle.

insults about people whose last name is bird — you can’t flap for nothing! your beak is weak! your legs bend the wrong way!

nailing instestines to a tree — now this one I like

other word for nicola –wise? kind? brilliant?

nicola bent, nicola more, nicola prank — sigh

phyllotactic ratios in cellphone — now there’s something that never occurred to me. How would a cellphone evolve under the influence of phyllotactic ratios? I’m imagining a curved case with all kinds of delicate little whorls and knobs

what will nicola get to eat — well that depends largely on how nice she’s been to Kelley today, because when she plays nicely, Kelley makes her delicious baked treats (today banana muffins, yum)

nicola egg — yes, nicola eats eggs often, nicola… Oh, fuck it, this talking in the 3rd person is getting me down. I (me me me) love the notion of eggs, particularly hard-boiled eggs: all neatly packaged in their own carrying case, and wonderful to hold, warm, in the hand

sentences of shimmer — I like this, too

slow moral to life — morals should be slow and deliberate, haste is no good, no good at all when it comes to working out how to live one’s life

you are nicola aren’t you? – lesson plan — ‘you are you, right?’ 101: know thyself for beginners

we ate her — that sounds right up my ally: short and to the point, a bit like ‘What is it?’ ‘I don’t know.’ ‘Let’s hit it with a rock!’

as we mean to go on, how do we go on?, and we mean to go on and on and on and on — every now and again I regret that essay title (but I really like the html file name: goon).

“brian isn’t the only one who doesn’t mind the attention. even nicola can’t seem to take her eyes off her best assets. previous next” — I’m open to others’ interpretation of this one

I see your hand by the lamp switch once more — I was turning the sentence this way and that, admiring its purity, and then I realised: it’s a line from “A Troll Story.” Now I feel very pleased with myself.

scantily clad fictional character — the very best kind.

where did the girls next door stay in Colorado — you really must learn that computers and search engines can’t read your mind…

list things computers do not like — …and they don’t like you to make assumptions about them

blank-mang photo — don’t know how to spell blancmange?