I’ve just watched the first episode of Starz’s Spartacus: Blood and Sand. Oh, dear.
The blood was candy-red, and flung over everything. And it made me giggle. I’m guessing it was basically designed (not unlike Xena: Warrior Princess, Tapert and Raimi producing–coincidence? I think not…) for the international syndication market. There was no acting to speak of, or writing, or scenery for that matter. Even the arena looked suspiciously Xena-like. As did the make-4-men-in-red-cresty-helmets-stand-in-for-a-Roman-army and 3-horses-sound-like-the-cavalry ‘special effects’. The whole thing staggered about under the weight of cod-epic syntax. There were no jokes. Though it was so over the top I laughed a lot anyway. I also think they owe Zack Snyder (of 300 fame) a cut (er, no pun intended).
Oh, and there was a lot of sex. At one point, there was a how-many-positions-can-we-do-in-one-session montage. (What is it about straight people and their athletic positions? My opinion: if you have to try lots of different approaches to inserting tab A into slot B before you get to the beaming-pass-me-a-grape stage, you’re doing it wrong.) I’m guessing the sex was there because it’s so cheap: one set, no extras, no costumes. Kelley chortled and said they should have titled it Spurtacus. I did note that in the Kiwi version of Rome, women have discovered waxing and razors but that those new-fangled grooming inventions only work for men on their chests.
Episode 2? I don’t think so.
12 thoughts on “Spattercus: Blood and, well, more blood”
Interesting. I agree with everything you said. At first I didn't think I'd watch it. The acting is poor, the CG effects are laughable, and what you said. :) But I still found it entertaining for some reason. Watched the whole thing already!
Does it get better?
I'm told (but I haven't cared enough to check for myself – not even for Lucy Lawless will I sit through that pile of unrealistic OTT rubbish) that episode 7 isn't too bad. And possibly the last two. And the LL does a sterling job with a poor script
Ah bollocks – forgot to sign it – the above anon comment was Jac aka Ze
Maybe some straight people have to employ the Kama Sutra to make sex gratifying because they haven't yet figured out they're gay. Maybe the tabs are really looking for another tab and the slots for another slot and they're just searching all over to find the damn thing.
And for those who call it the “Karma Sutra”, that's a totally different concept. Karma Sutra is the principle that if you give great sex, you'll get great sex in return :P.
Jac, not worth trying, then. Sigh.
Jo, karma 'r' us :)
You know, I enjoyed your depiction so much, I will forgo watching the series. Your description plus my imagination makes this endlessly amusing. thanks again.
Hours to go young woman…Early Salutations.
This post made me chortle as did the tab a slot b meanderings of the sutra set.
Jeanne, many thanks.
terrisberries, happy to make you chortle.
Hilarious! Now I'm kinda sorry I fell asleep after watching for just 10 minutes. But I'm still going to skip the rest.
Kathleen, not as hilarious as the thing itself :)
Hmm. Just tried watching it. My mind keeps getting sidetracked to Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome, which I think was actually more believable . . . better soundtrack, too.
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