I found out yesterday that someone has been messing with my Wikipedia entry. Kelley changed from being my partner to being my ‘girlfriend’. Wikipedia doesn’t let you alter your own entry, so there was nothing I could do. I checked Kelley’s entry, and, Lo!, I too was now a girlfriend.
I tweeted, and many kind people leapt in, fixed things, and are now starting a process to build nomenclature guidelines.
This is just one example of the problems–thankfully a minor one–that stem from lack of equality regarding same-sex marriage. If my relationship with Kelley were federally recognised, she would be my ‘wife’. I would be her ‘wife’. Wikiloons wouldn’t mess with that. (Or maybe they would, but they wouldn’t be able to hide behind any notions of Good Intentions.)
But when–and I mean when because I think this will happen soon–we are legally married, I will have the hardest time using the word ‘wife’, whether for me or Kelley. There’s so much cultural baggage attached to the word. But ‘spouse’ sounds so…bureaucratic.
Maybe, given that we have a marridge, not a marriage, we should be wyves.
So, here’s a question for you: how do you feel about the word ‘wife’?
The word ‘wife’
27 thoughts on “The word ‘wife’”
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Nicola Griffith 
When my former spouse and I married (legally in Ontario, Canada), I was happy to finally have a term that said that I was married to a woman. No more “business partner?” or “she?” Baggage or no, it made me happy.
I'm from Canada, so my husband and I are exactly that – husbands.
I actually had a recent change of mind about dodging occasional social awkwardness (especially at work, which is retail) by using gender neutral terms like “my spouse” or “my better half.” I'm not going to do it any more, and though I've already had a few negative reactions, it's just too damn bad.
That said, I can see your point – “wife” has more baggage associated with it than “husband” I daresay.
deakat, I suspect that once I'm entitled to it, and have used it more than once, I'll like it. Right now…I dunno. But I'm glad you're happy!
n8n, yep, 'wife' has very different connotations to 'husband'. But, hey, words get reclaimed every day…
Wife has been and will always be a diminuitive term, and “girlfriend” has far less gravitas than lover or partner.
My wife and I like to refer to each other as wives (we're legally wed in Massachusetts), but I agree that it comes with baggage. I like your “wyfe” and “wyves” suggestion, though, because I'm actually rather fond of “womyn”. :)
For anyone interested in joining the discussion on Wikipedia guidelines for stuff like this, here are the threads:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia_talk:WikiProject_Biography#Partner.3F_Girlfriend.3F_Wife.3F
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia_talk:WikiProject_LGBT_studies#Partner.3F_Girlfriend.3F_Wife.3F
barbara, 'dyke' used to be an insult. Now, to me, it's not. I took it back.
heavenscalyx, yep :)
mordicai, thanks again for this.
My partner and I like “partner.” …which can be followed immediately with a sentence containing the word “she” if needed. I have a visceral negative response to using “wife” for either of us, but more because it makes me think of curlers and lawn mowers, not anything medieval. But more power to whatever words you all want to use. (Just give us the handy benefits contract and let's get on with it, I say!)
Illinois now has legal civil unions, so I suppose we could be Civil Unioneers, which has a jaunty sound to it…
Elena, I'm thinking k and I could be spicewifs, pl of spousewif, using a kind of dog Old English and bureacratese…
I don't really associate any baggage with the word wife, no matter whether it's in association with a husband or another wife. But if you do, I say use it anyway and make it strong. Thankfully, language is fluid that way.
I agree with the above ^ If “wife” has some baggage, then you two should use it and make it your own.
“Partner” always sounded odd to me in a way. It sounds so general and I always thought it lacked ring of the personal. Even at times when I knew someone was using it refference to someone they have been with for years. But being straight, I undoubtedly hear those words with different ears.
It doesn't happen very often anymore, but for some time even our close friends stumbled all over the place for reference labels, even with me. “Um, you're,uh, husband…I mean boyfriend…er, partner…whatever he is.”
We've been using “wife” and “husband” purely for convenience—after 31 years we're just not that concerned anymore—but when you take away the labels for people to use, they have to think about the relationship, and come face to face with aspects of it they'd rather not think about. When you really consider it, “husband and wife” is such a neutral term anymore—it only describes a legal living arrangement—and everything else, whether we like it or not, drags the sexual aspect in, because, well, why are you in such an arrangement if not for, well, you know…sex.
Which simply reveals both how hung up on that and how infantile even the socially accepted arrangements are. I think “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” have a more or less temporary connotation that can, if we choose, allow people to just not think about all that physical stuff and, y'know, sort of assume you'll grow up and get over it and “settle down”…which is another phrase I dislike. What? Marriage is supposed to be a semi-comatose condition wherein a couple basically stops doing anything?
All these labels are problematic and are for everyone else's convenience, not the individual's.
On the day I can legally apply the word 'wife' to either Kelley or myself, is when I'll find out how I really feel. I'm looking forward to it.
I've often referred to Jim as my “spice,” the special bit that makes the whole better.
Here's a vote for “spicewifs.”
Caryl
We went to Vancouver to marry; it was all new then, and the legal forms required us to fill in 'bride' and 'groom'. My partner took 'groom' since she was the one in the tux anyway.
Of course we lose all our rights as soon as we cross passport control (and they are just thrilled to let us us know it). But, though I'm usually introduced as 'my wife', I prefer the baggage-free 'spouse'.
The minute DOMA is repealed, those marriages (from Canada, South Africa, Norway, the UK, etc.) are going to have to be recognised in some form. Exciting times ahead.
My wife I were legally married in Iowa and then returned to our home state of Missouri where it's not recognized. I tell everyone I have a “wife” and that we are married. To me, it symbolizes some manner of equality; whereas, partner, girlfriend, civil unions, etc. do not. It's up to whatever feels comfortable to each person. For me, I am loud and proud to proclaim that I have a wife.
Holly, do you consider yourself a wife?
I generally use the term DGF (literally pronounced dee-gee-eff) when I refer to my girlfriend. She is, after all, my dear girlfriend.
When/if we decide to marry, I'm not sure how I'd feel about using “wife” to describe her. The term wife implies (to me) passive and soft. (Don't rip me apart for stereotyping, please. I enjoy being the “wife” half. Some do, some don't. Live with it.) My DGF is anything but soft or passive. I'd probably use any of the terms lover, boifriend, or “my other half” to describe her.
As for myself, I'd be a wife. End of story. Right now, I'm a girlfriend. In less polite society, though, we're “best friends forever” and roommates who happen to share a bedroom and bureau space.
pleasantpheasant, yes, wife is a very gendered term.
Yes, I consider myself a wife, also.
“Wife” is not a word I'm ever going to have to use, so this is kind of theoretical. The first thing that pops into my mind, though, is a scene in Russ's “When It Changed”:
“You are –?” said the man, nodding from me to her.
“Wives,” said Katy. “We're married.” Again the dry chuckle.
For me the word “partner” brings back LeGuin's The Dispossessed, where it doesn't refer to a spouse (they don't have them an Anarres), but to one's life-partner, and this was long before that term caught on in the mundane world. In LeGuin's world, the usage is “the partner,” because they reject ownership, even in pronouns.
Baggage or no, when same-sex couples can contract civil marriage, I think they should be “wives” or “husbands.” I personally have never had any trouble with the idea of having two husbands or two wives, but I know a lot of people do. But people who want the prestige and benefits that come from marriage shouldn't, in my view, be allowed to reject the official title. I'll be nice, though, and not demand that they accept the butch/femme division of “traditional” marriage.
Hm… in the Christian wedding ceremonies, though, isn't the male spouse the “man,” as in “I now pronounce you man and wife”? In English anyway; it doesn't seem to be the same in the other European languages I know.
I wonder if this pejorative use still happens.
Thirty-two years ago I was involved with someone other than Donna and one weekend there was a tense night of contretempts that resulted in her apartment being trashed. I came over in the morning and began cleaning up while she slept off a hangover.
Another of her friends came in as I was doing dishes. The woman in question was up by then and the friend said, “I'd keep him. He'll make you a great wife.”
The assumptions being that “men” don't clean house, especially not the kind of basic domestic stuff I was doing. (Note: my dad never shirked at any of this. He did dishes, vacuumed, changed diapers [I'm told] cooked and cleaned. Subsequently I grew up in a house where that kind of gender-distinction nonsense didn't happen.) I thought it was bullshit then. (The woman in question apparently didn't and we broke up over some variant of my not being a “real” man, partly based on that incident.)
Just wondered if that gets tossed around anymore.
Mark, I have no doubt it still happens in some circles.
Mark, I wouldn't be a man right now if you paid me. Damned if you do and damned if you don't….
barbara, I'd be a boy for a week if someone paid me. It would be interesting. But only for a week. I could go to one of those countries where women aren't really welcome on their own e.g. Saudi Arabia. Or–no, I think I'd stay right here and see how differently I was treated…