Until a month ago, I had no idea that Brussels sprouts grew on stalks. I’d only ever seen them loose, or pre-packaged: tiny little cabbages in string bags. Then we had dinner at a friend’s house and I spotted this gigantic Jack-and-the-Beanstalk looking thing in her kitchen. What the fuck is that? I said. Brussels sprouts, she said.

It’s a bit of a shock to find myself so divorced from the roots (pun unavoidable, unless I think hard, and, y’know, as much as I love and admire every single one of you, a post about Brussels sprouts just isn’t worth it) of a vegetable I eat often.

So just in case any of you are labouring under a similar burden of ignorance, here you go:

Yes, it really is three feet long. And heavy. You could use it as a battering ram. Or plant it in a pot, stick a star on top, and put presents under it at Yule. You can thank me when you get over the nightmares.